Season Welcome from the Bumpty Report

Romantic Saturday night dinners once again go into hibernation for 6 months, as the men of WPHC prepare for another cricket season.

The smell of linseed oil and sweaty hectors will greet cricketers as they open their kits this weekend, some for the first time since throwing dirty whites and empty Maximus bottles in there after celebrating a premiership in March.

Many cricketers will leave home on Saturday morning promising their wives things they know they can’t deliver on – “Don’t worry baby. T20’s don’t go for as long. I’ll stop by the local Thai joint, pick up your favourite, and be home for dinner and a movie.” The reality is that the Bowlo will have footy finals on 17 big screens, the poker machine in the corner keeps crooning your name, and you end up in a shout with Rob Knapman. You spend your remaining $7.30 on an über to get home, to find you’ve lost your keys, and need to bang on the door to wake the missus up, to let you in. At this point in time, you promise it will never happen again, but it becomes a weekly occurrence.

Anyway, back to the cricket. The season starts off with two T20’s, the format of our game that rewards blokes like Phil Wurth with no technique whatsoever, the chance to become heroes, with sketchy 28’s off 15 balls. Bowlers who can perfect the slow full bunger, or half track ‘it’s about to bounce twice’ bouncer, are also brought into the shortest version of our game, as more fielders parade the boundaries, looking for catches from rusty batsmen, still remembering which end of the bat to hold.

With T20’s comes blatant stupidity, as a result of scientific proof that your cricketing expectations do not align with your natural ability. Your authors blame Brendan McCullum for this. How many blokes over the next fortnight will be impersonating Collingwood supporters, after failed ramp shots end up smashing teeth out.

So our teams are spread far and wide, but spare a thought for our 2nd Grade Red team playing at Gilroy College, who captain, Rick Turner, describes as being “close to the worst ground in the comp.” Rick has obviously never played at Dhaka. That deck looked like a squashed sand castle.

Our 3rd Grade Blue has had an early win, scoring what many of us call ‘The Field Of Dreams’ at Cheltenham Oval for their first hit out. The Bumpty Report will supply free beer to any player in this game who zacks one onto the M2, and your authors openly encourage bowlers to bowl slowly in areas that support this, and captains to strongly consider moving the pitch 30m closer to the southern end.

The Bumpty Report wishes all WPHC teams the very best of luck for this season, and your authors look forward to bringing you all expert analysis, key life lessons and general over the top jibber throughout 2017/18.

Don’t forget to Vote 1 – Bumpty Report.