Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to the first edition of The Bumpty Report. The Bumpty Report is proudly presented to you by BP and Snumpty – self-proclaimed top blokes and award winning authors.

As cricket blokes at WPHCCC, let’s face it, we all need help. There are parts of our lives that we just simply struggle with. When it comes to things like romance, kids, household chores and fashion, we are all about as useful as a Shane Watson DRS referral. The Bumpty Report will, throughout this cricket season, look to provide advice to the men of WPHCCC, with a cricketing context, so that we can all spend less time thinking about how to become better blokes, and more time winning cricket premierships.

In the first edition of the Bumpty Report, we pay homage to those blokes who are growing stupendously ridiculous facial hair, in the name of men’s health. This is a great cause, with donations to be sent here.

With Movember comes much confusion from the participants, with your authors fielding many a question as to ‘What the hell should I grow?’ This Bumpty Report provides some useful examples of what style facial hair you blokes should be looking at.

The Boonie

A stock style, boring approach to Movember, with this more common and standard mo the feature of most Movember catalogues. Bushy and large, The Boonie comes with the added expectation of superior VB guzzling prowess, which can catch rookie participants by surprise, often leading to an early mo shave, and forced AA rehab. The Boonie is still a favourite amongst the ladies, and for those capable of pulling this off, we wish you well.

The Funky Miller

Much like when the great Colin ‘Funky’ Miller gave the umpire his cap, at the start of the day at the SCG, surprising the hell out of Courtney Walsh at the other end of the pitch, The Funky Miller will provide those around you with an instant shock factor. The mo must be grown long and hard early in the month, with the blue hair dye coming out at the end of week 2, and massaged into the mo. Whilst walking around with a blue food catcher for a few weeks may get you a few weird looks, it will also help raise awareness for men’s health, with donators most likely going off to their Boonie growing mates, to send funds to a more ‘normal’ person. These authors believe The Funky Miller is more suited to an Alex Robertson or Gav Taylor type.

The Mohammed Amir

Named after the Pakistani quick who got done match fixing, this mo is the cheat mo. Many Movember participants don’t do the hard work, then decide on November 27 to join the action, mainly to gloat about being part of Movember and then jumping on board the Movember after-parties. These authors claim this as cheating, and advise all donations skip The Mohammed Amir, and be directed to The Funky Miller.

The Chris Gayle

Please only try this if you are a Movember expert! The Chris Gayle is not for the faint hearted, and requires the careful braiding of your mo, so that the dreadlocks fall down over your mouth. Whilst this may sound uncomfortable, with the extra flies coming out in November, your Chris Gayle allows an easy fly swat whilst drinking beer, to avoid your beer holding arm needing to be diverted. The Chris Gayle is definitely a favourite with the ladies, and previous Chris Gayle Movember participants have had success with luring BBL commentators out for a drink with them. Unfortunately, on most occasions, this was Damien Fleming.

The Dougie

We all know that one person who simply can’t grow facial hair. Named after one of the great NSW fast bowlers, Doug Bollinger, The Dougie is the term used for those Movember participants who try their hardest, but still get laughed at on November 28, when they claim to be doing Movember. When not being ridiculed, those sporting The Dougie should be given extra donations, in an attempt to help boost their self-esteem.

Wrap-up

These authors hope the above will be helpful to all Movember participants, and we wish you well in your endeavours to totally embarrass your wives, through the inappropriate growing of facial hair this month.

If anyone has anything they require The Bumpty Report to help them with, please find these authors at the Bowlo bar on a Saturday evening. Ideas cost 6 schooners, payable at the time.