New Year Edition

Welcome to the 2nd Edition of the Bumpty Report, a place where problems are posed, and solutions are given. After successfully navigating our way around the Movember facial hair in our 1st Edition, this week these authors got all jolly with Christmas spirit, to identify what some of our star players got up to over the festive season. For those of you who found your holidays as boring as a Matt Spalding pep talk, check out some of these ideas for your next vacation.


Alex Connell – ‘Going The Extra Inch At Work’

Alex ‘Fat’ Connell from A1’s, is not only a star on the field, but he is also well connected off it. For a quid, ‘Fat’ works as a Program Manager at Foxtel. Given staff shortages over Christmas, Fat had to return to his old department to look after it. That department being the adult entertainment channel….

Now not for 1 minute are these authors suggesting that Mr Connell indulges himself in these movies outside of work, but it did lead us to think that his nickname of ‘Fat’ may not be because of the size of his scone. Fat has also previously presented an award at the annual adult entertainment awards night, and is believed to be treated like an absolute God every time he walks down the Kings Cross strip.

Insiders at the Bumpty Report also believe that Fat is working on a cricket movie, where he has been seen wining and dining Warnie for the lead role. Warnie has taken to Twitter, to announce his interest in this role, tweeting ‘@Fat_Connell Looking forward to getting started on filming 2 Fine Legs & A Third Man’.

Tim Leyshon & Michael McGregor – A Bromance That Shines

 These authors have been made aware of a bromance that is blossoming in our B1 team, between fellow nude nuts, Tim ‘Hollywood’ Leyshon and Michael ‘Macca’ McGregor. Rumour has it, that the 2 star batsmen are completely fascinated with each other’s bald heads, and constantly complimenting the shininess that each other possess.

The Bumpty Report sent private investigators out over the holidays, to see what Hollywood and Macca were up to. The conclusion – 3 days at the beach, rubbing sunscreen into each other’s scalps. 2 days shaving each other’s heads, then buffing them in front of the mirror. 1 day shopping for hats, and 1 afternoon beside the 1st tee at North Turramurra Golf Course, reflecting the sun of their melons into the eyes of golfers, as they teed off to start their round.

Seriously though, the B1 bowlers need to utilise these guys much better, as having them rub different substances into their head before each game, allows for non-detectable ball tampering, when they shine the ball on their head.

  • A2 10th wicket Club A2 Grade record 76 runs - Tim Leyshon and Rohan Dixit
  • Michael Macca McGregor, Ice cream and Steve Quanborough

Nikki O’Meara – A Cutting Resemblance?

It was clearly evident that C2 Blue star bowler, Nikki O’Meara, had absolutely nothing to do during the holidays. With the BBL in full flight, and the belief that pretending to be a first class cricketer would get him entry into more nightclubs, Nikki set his sights on being Ben Cutting’s doppelganger.

Nikki spends numerous hours per day manscaping, and has watched his hero bowl so much on tv, that he has mastered running into bowl, looking like he has a stick up his date. C2 Blue players often question whether Nikki is in fact Ben Cutting, given the fact that the 2 have never been seen in the same room together, and also the fact that Nikki goes for 9.53 runs an over, which is similar to Ben Cutting’s return this BBL.  These authors spoke to members of the C2 Blue team, with captain Steve ‘Buzz’ Burrows summing Nikki up best. “If only he could bowl like Cutting after one of his big Friday nights on the pull at Hillside we’d be leading the comp!” – Buzz Burrows (Skipper C2 Blue).

Not withstanding all of this, these authors believe that Nikki is batting above his average, and that the whole ‘I’m Ben Cutting’ phenomenon has got some merit. Accordingly, these authors will be heading to The Hillside this Friday night with Nikki, dressed up as Brad Hodge and Ben Dunk.

So there you have it men, some wonderful ideas on things to do during your next Christmas break. Who knows, maybe this time next year, we will have some movie stars coming out of ‘Fat Connell Productions’?