It’s every cricketer’s worst nightmare, and it occurred last week. The heatwave that swept across Sydney, meant the cancellation of all games last week, and with it, the realisation that us cricketers would need to spend the day at home with our wives and kids. So, how did WPHCCC players get through this traumatic experience? The Bumpty Report went searching for answers.

The Nightwatchman

A commonly used approach to avoiding parenting, The Nightwatchman is brought out as soon as the cancellation notification comes through, and sees the player hit the night spots, returning home at 4am with 2 kebabs and a lost phone, and also a severe inability to function the next day. A Nightwatchman’s wife, out of anger and pure necessity, takes the kids out the entire next day, so they don’t have to view their father struggle out of bed, and run a quick single to the bathroom. Such is the rarity of an early cancellation call, The Nightwatchman’s excitement for a night out can be linked to the excitement that Warnie felt, when Daryl Cullinan strode to the crease and took centre.

Stumped

There is occasionally a player, who tries to sneak out for a hit of golf on a cancelled Saturday, only to be stumped by a sneaky wicketkeeper of a wife. These wives know the HKHDCA website inside out, and are aware of any cancellations before their husband. As the player grabs his golf bag and heads for the car, the wife swoops in to catch her husband 3 metres out of his crease, taking off the bails, and sending him to the pavilion, that is their 3 year old daughter’s tea party. These authors send our deepest sympathies to anyone who got stumped last weekend.

Technically Brilliant

We all admire that 1 batsman in our team, who is simply technically brilliant, and looks a million bucks every time they let the ball go through to the keeper. Likewise with a cancelled day, a technically brilliant player can become a valuable asset. This player is often that IT nerd, that has the expertise to make up fake websites, Facebook pages and Twitter accounts, stating that all cricket is still on, and for all players to report to the ground. This allows their teammates a free day away from home, unless they are ‘stumped’ by a more technically brilliant wife, who is all over the HKHDCA communications. Regardless of the successfulness of your technically brilliant teammate, for the effort he puts in for his team, he deserves free beers at Preso Night.

The Dirty Whites

A brilliant black market campaign, which is run by club entrepreneur, Bill Peterkin. Between the hours of 1-6 on a cancelled Saturday, BP can be found at the Bowlo, and for a schooner donation, he will take your whites across to Edward Bennett Oval, and rub grass into then, to make it appear as though you’ve played cricket, even though you’ve been sucking schooners all day at the Bowlo. For an extra schooner donation, BP is also happy to shine a new Kookaburra down 1 side of your pants, for that extra touch. A great way to show the missus that cricket ‘was on’, but if this little secret is let out of the bag to any wife, that player will be punished by being forced to register to play for St Ives.

The Send Off

A very arrogant but effective tactic, which sees the player simply ignore any request from his wife to say that no logical person would play an outdoor sport in 45 degrees, by giving her a big send off, packing his kit in the car, and heading to the pub. A player doing the Send Off has all knowledge that cricket is off, and has no inclination to go outdoors, but is keen for a Bowlo day on the punt with the boys, and will do anything to get there. Players who are experienced with the Send Off, often add a Brett Lee chainsaw for extra effect as they walk out the door, much to the disgust and embarrassment of the wife. As good a day as the player has with the boys, the Send Off is returned in spades by the wife, upon your 1am entry back through the front door.